i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
you made out with another girl for some wings
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
