I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
