I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
