I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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