My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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