Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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