is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
