Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
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