Me. At least after what I've been through.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
