"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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