Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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