i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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