his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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