So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
