then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
