Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I just found a bag of teeth...
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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