I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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