i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize