I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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