the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
