Soap is not a condiment
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
