Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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