Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
