I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize