u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
We are all done wearing pants today
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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