I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
