Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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