im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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