The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
