she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
no, he came in my armpit
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
