So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
