help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
