At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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