I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
