i may or may not be watching the land before time
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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