Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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