The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
