I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
So vagazzling was a success
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
