Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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