Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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