Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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