Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
