I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
