I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
