How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bondingš
how do you say āi know we havenāt hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other dayā without coming on too strong
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