The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
