I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
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