and you said cock pushups were impossible
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
