Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
