I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
