i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
this boner is exhausting
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
