We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
