I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We have so much sex to catch up on
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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