hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
