Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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