I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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