Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize