My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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