I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
