did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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