My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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