I murdered the dance floor call the cops
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
