ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
