perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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